So for this first article, I decided to write about a very personal topic, because most of my article being in French, you don’t really know my story apart from my Instagram posts that are written in English.

I grew up with my mother and brother. If everything was going well at first, everything changed when I met my father around the age of 7 if I remember correctly. Indeed my relationship with my brother is degraded and then the one with my mother much later …
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​As a child I went through a lot of hardships, school harassment, attempted rape, depression, bad relationship with food, suicidal thoughts… I consulted a psychologist in secret for a long time, it lasted years and it helped me a lot at times.

In 2009, at the age of 13, I met a boy who was 2 years older than me, he wasn’t the most frequent guy in my neighborhood, I admit, but it’s the first time in my life that I’ve really felt attracted to a boy. He had the gift of making me smile every moment spent with him, he was my ray of sunshine.

[social_warfare buttons= »Instagram, Pinterest »] Unfortunately this one was quite well known in my childhood town and not for good reasons, so my mother ordered me to separate from this young man. We lived three years of relationship in secret punctuated by many months without seeing each other and some separations because of the distance. ​We broke up permanently in 2012, and a few months later I got into a relationship with the man who will become one of the most important people in my life.

So I was 15 when I had my second serious relationship, he was 16. I lived the most beautiful moments of my life with this man, I loved him with all my soul. He is the man of all my first time, first love, first sorrow, – the first time – if you see what I mean, first boy introduced to my family, first boy who introduces me to his family…

​You know this relationship, the one where you are convinced that you have found your soul mate, the one with whom you will marry and start a family. When this relationship ends, you fall into deep sorrow, you don’t believe in it, you’re convinced that you won’t love people anymore and that no one else will love you.

​When we broke up after after a few years of relationship, I really thought I would never get over it. It took us 7 years to turn this page, to stop this ambiguity, to stop repairing ourselves together, to maintain a relationship that was over as if neither of us accepted this end. Today, he is still one of the closest people to me, he always will be.

​​I have always been a very shy and reserved person and over time I have withdrawn on myself. I didn’t have too much self-confidence or self-esteem and that people have noticed and enjoyed for years. I have lived through many dramas in silence and until today there are two people in this world who know my life in every detail. I find it very difficult to talk about my life, these tragedies, these failures… I accumulate until I can’t take it anymore.

In 2018, my therapist, whom I always saw in secret, offered me an exercise. She knew my passion for writing, she said to me: « If you can’t say your pain, write it » I thought it was a joke, I didn’t understand the form or substance of this exercise. Two weeks later, she told me again about this famous exercise: « Write a novel, I want you to write it as if you were going to publish it, and never mind if the time comes you keep it to yourself, or you burn it, this book will be the end of your life before and the beginning of your new life »

I wrote this book in two years and on December 03, 2020 I announced to my community that I was not going to publish it​. ​After 23 years of silent suffering. I’ve written a book about my life, as if to free myself from these painful secrets, and I’ve never felt so alive.

​For years, I have dated men without ever being happy again, my first love has marked me far more than most girls my age. My last relationship had started so well, it was perfect, or rather seemed perfect. We were almost married and trying to have a baby when I discovered a whole new face and character traits that he had been careful to show me at the beginning of our relationship.  Between jealousy, possessiveness, manipulation, threat, grip… I will not go into detail, but this man destroyed me.

​I decided to be me again, to do things that I love, to no longer give importance to others because very few people give me. I’ve cut ties with so many people, some of my family. I freed myself from so much pressure, to want too much to be perfect in the eyes of others, to hide my pain too much to please, to fit into the mold, I ended up giving up life. ​Now I’m learning to live again, to love, to smile for real, not for the people around me to think I’m okay.

​In short, I resumed my studies at a business school, I launched my own clothing brand and ​ my online shop thanks to Etsy. I also decided to fight, not to let this man trample my dreams of wife and motherhood.